We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

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Major Kong
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We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by Major Kong »

So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by nolanvt »

Major Kong wrote:So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
Sorry to hear about that, Major.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by Florida Hokie »

I've come to determine there is no difference between alcoholics and habitual drunk drivers. That's the key. Getting nabbed for drunk driving is meaningless to these people. I've got alcoholics in my family. To a person, they each drive drunk. All the time. Some have DUIs all ready. It is of no consequence. They are never to drive my children. Ever. If asked, I will tell them exactly why.
Major Kong wrote:So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by awesome guy »

sorry to hear that Major.
Major Kong wrote:So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by cwtcr hokie »

sorry for you trouble Kong but those are the type of bastiges that kill innocent people, jail is the best place for them until the guy figures out he has a problem.
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Thanks all...

Post by Major Kong »

Oh he knows he has a problem he just doesn't care.

He's spent a considerable amount of time in the hoosegow, been enrolled in several different substance abuse programs, ruined 2 marriages, alienated his 2 kids, hadn't talked to his Dad in the 4 yrs. before my FIL passed away, bankrupted his Mom with legal fees and support and generally been a royal pain the @ss to anyone who has encountered him. He just doesn't care. :(
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by RiverguyVT »

alcoholism is a terrible disease.

AA does not "recruit". Most people who need help must come to the point (their "bottom") of deciding for themselves; no one else can really tell them.

That said, are there any "friends" of the alcoholic that you know of who are actively in AA?
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

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Florida Hokie wrote:I've come to determine there is no difference between alcoholics and habitual drunk drivers. That's the key. Getting nabbed for drunk driving is meaningless to these people. I've got alcoholics in my family. To a person, they each drive drunk. All the time. Some have DUIs all ready. It is of no consequence. They are never to drive my children. Ever. If asked, I will tell them exactly why.
Major Kong wrote:So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
Florida-
Oh, it isn't meaningless, and it surely has consequence.
You are handling it 100% right. The consequence ("you can't drive FloHojr") is VERY effective. Moreso than you may think.
An alcoholic has to hit his own bottom.
In the meanwhile, it has meaning...just not enough to overcome the drinking like it would in a "normal" (non-diseased) person.
So I put (the dead dog) on her doorstep!
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by Florida Hokie »

RiverguyVT wrote:Florida-
Oh, it isn't meaningless, and it surely has consequence.
You are handling it 100% right. The consequence ("you can't drive FloHojr") is VERY effective. Moreso than you may think.
An alcoholic has to hit his own bottom.
In the meanwhile, it has meaning...just not enough to overcome the drinking like it would in a "normal" (non-diseased) person.
Thanks for the feedback River. I guess I'm making the mistake of thinking about it from a clear-headed perspective. THat is, "meaningful" to me, means not doing it again. As you noted, whatever it is, is not enough for these people. My wife's uncle moved to town a while back. There was all sorts of talk about how he will be around his great nephews, etc. When he came on a Saturday afternoon to pick up some furniture we had for him, and a beer spilled out of his truck, I told my wife that our sons were never going to be with him or stay at his house (the risk of him driving from there is too great.) She didn't have any heartburn with it. Truth be told it hasn't come up anyway because his free time is spent drinking, not seeing family.

At least one DUI we know of, serious health issues, nasty family fights while drunk, and a near death accident hasn't made him change his ways. I've told my wife, I expect one day to get a call that he killed himself through his carelessness (accident, etc.) I only pray he doesn't take someone else out with him.
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With my BIL drinking is his way of coping...

Post by Major Kong »

He started drinking before he got out of high school back in the early 70's. Nobody in the family drinks.

Everything is the fault of someone else. No matter how minor or trivial it is the fault of someone else. He's the type of person that can be caught red handed in front of 10,000 people doing something and it's either; I didn't do it or it was so and so's fault.

He has never faced up to any situation and has usually ran off to his Mom, even today while nearing his 60's. The problem is his Mom was always there with bail $$$, attorney fees, court cost and $$$$$$ support. It led to problems with her marriage to my FIL (who believed if you do the crime you do the time...after the 2nd time he got him out of trouble in Mississippi) and her 2nd husband who had much the same belief as my FIL. My MIL told me several years ago that she has spent over $250,000 on him since the early 70's and now she doesn't have pot to piss in...she wishes she had all of that $$$ back but doesn't know what she would do differently. Her reasoning for bailing him out of trouble so often wasn't for his betterment but to keep from embarrassing the family (it didn't work and he has been the butt of family, friends and community jokes for years)...that upsets her as much as or more as the possibility of going back to jail.

He's been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and fights long bouts of depression (not made any better by the loss of his long time GF in July) but refuses to take his meds preferring to self medicate with Budweiser Light. We know he needs help but in the Commonwealth of Virginia committing someone for their own good is impossible if they don't want to commit their self.

The only time in the last 3 years that he has been sober, properly medicated and lucid was during his year in jail. Now it looks as though he'll be getting an extended stay.
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Re: With my BIL drinking is his way of coping...

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Major Kong wrote:He started drinking before he got out of high school back in the early 70's. Nobody in the family drinks.

Everything is the fault of someone else. No matter how minor or trivial it is the fault of someone else. He's the type of person that can be caught red handed in front of 10,000 people doing something and it's either; I didn't do it or it was so and so's fault.

He has never faced up to any situation and has usually ran off to his Mom, even today while nearing his 60's. The problem is his Mom was always there with bail $$$, attorney fees, court cost and $$$$$$ support. It led to problems with her marriage to my FIL (who believed if you do the crime you do the time...after the 2nd time he got him out of trouble in Mississippi) and her 2nd husband who had much the same belief as my FIL. My MIL told me several years ago that she has spent over $250,000 on him since the early 70's and now she doesn't have pot to piss in...she wishes she had all of that $$$ back but doesn't know what she would do differently. Her reasoning for bailing him out of trouble so often wasn't for his betterment but to keep from embarrassing the family (it didn't work and he has been the butt of family, friends and community jokes for years)...that upsets her as much as or more as the possibility of going back to jail.

He's been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and fights long bouts of depression (not made any better by the loss of his long time GF in July) but refuses to take his meds preferring to self medicate with Budweiser Light. We know he needs help but in the Commonwealth of Virginia committing someone for their own good is impossible if they don't want to commit their self.

The only time in the last 3 years that he has been sober, properly medicated and lucid was during his year in jail. Now it looks as though he'll be getting an extended stay.
that stinks, and not just the bud light consumption. :cry:

I can understand the desire to help, but after the 3rd, 4th, etc time, they have to realize bail is just enabling the behavior. The bums I hang out with have a large contingent like this, a long line of family members they've alienated over the years by leaching off them just go out and get in trouble again. Some people just can't operate within society. So that brings me to thinking there may be something to the newer approaches of putting them in an apartment with strict rules and a permanent babysitter. That little angel or gnome or whatever sitting on their shoulder saying "this is a bad idea" is sleeping on the job or got shot.
Last edited by awesome guy on Fri Aug 23, 2013 10:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: With my BIL drinking is his way of coping...

Post by RiverguyVT »

I have to wonder if some AA material will find its way into his hands in the pokey.
I feel bad for your MIL. It sounds to me that she thought she was doing the right thing, but, in truth...she was basically doing the worst thing you can do for an alcoholic. Bailing out & etc is a form of enablement. One of the hardest things for loved ones to do is to let the alcoholic fall on his face; to hit his bottom. Because until he hits bottom, he won't do anything about it for himself.

Although an alcoholic, do you think he believes in God or a concept of God (higher power)?

Major Kong wrote:He started drinking before he got out of high school back in the early 70's. Nobody in the family drinks.

Everything is the fault of someone else. No matter how minor or trivial it is the fault of someone else. He's the type of person that can be caught red handed in front of 10,000 people doing something and it's either; I didn't do it or it was so and so's fault.

He has never faced up to any situation and has usually ran off to his Mom, even today while nearing his 60's. The problem is his Mom was always there with bail $$$, attorney fees, court cost and $$$$$$ support. It led to problems with her marriage to my FIL (who believed if you do the crime you do the time...after the 2nd time he got him out of trouble in Mississippi) and her 2nd husband who had much the same belief as my FIL. My MIL told me several years ago that she has spent over $250,000 on him since the early 70's and now she doesn't have pot to piss in...she wishes she had all of that $$$ back but doesn't know what she would do differently. Her reasoning for bailing him out of trouble so often wasn't for his betterment but to keep from embarrassing the family (it didn't work and he has been the butt of family, friends and community jokes for years)...that upsets her as much as or more as the possibility of going back to jail.

He's been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and fights long bouts of depression (not made any better by the loss of his long time GF in July) but refuses to take his meds preferring to self medicate with Budweiser Light. We know he needs help but in the Commonwealth of Virginia committing someone for their own good is impossible if they don't want to commit their self.

The only time in the last 3 years that he has been sober, properly medicated and lucid was during his year in jail. Now it looks as though he'll be getting an extended stay.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

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Florida Hokie wrote:
RiverguyVT wrote:Florida-
Oh, it isn't meaningless, and it surely has consequence.
You are handling it 100% right. The consequence ("you can't drive FloHojr") is VERY effective. Moreso than you may think.
An alcoholic has to hit his own bottom.
In the meanwhile, it has meaning...just not enough to overcome the drinking like it would in a "normal" (non-diseased) person.
Thanks for the feedback River. I guess I'm making the mistake of thinking about it from a clear-headed perspective. THat is, "meaningful" to me, means not doing it again. As you noted, whatever it is, is not enough for these people. My wife's uncle moved to town a while back. There was all sorts of talk about how he will be around his great nephews, etc. When he came on a Saturday afternoon to pick up some furniture we had for him, and a beer spilled out of his truck, I told my wife that our sons were never going to be with him or stay at his house (the risk of him driving from there is too great.) She didn't have any heartburn with it. Truth be told it hasn't come up anyway because his free time is spent drinking, not seeing family.

At least one DUI we know of, serious health issues, nasty family fights while drunk, and a near death accident hasn't made him change his ways. I've told my wife, I expect one day to get a call that he killed himself through his carelessness (accident, etc.) I only pray he doesn't take someone else out with him.
Yeah. To the alcoholic, "a clear headed perspective" doesn't exist.
He has to come to it himself.
So I put (the dead dog) on her doorstep!
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I unfortunately have some experience with this.

Post by Once »

Up until about a 2 months before he died, everything you wrote could have applied to my brother. I'll just edit yours for the sake of convenience.
Major Kong wrote:He started drinking before he got out of high school back in the mid 70's. I come from a long line of big drinkers

Everything is the fault of someone else. No matter how minor or trivial it is the fault of someone else. He's the type of person that can be caught red handed in front of 10,000 people doing something and it's either; I didn't do it or it was so and so's fault.

He has never faced up to any situation and usually ran off to my Mom, and didn't accept responsibility until about 2 months before he died from drug/alcohol/Hep C <shared needles> related liver failure at the age of 58 two weeks ago. The problem is my Mom was always there with bail $$$, attorney fees, court cost and $$$$$$ support. It led to countless family arguments especially with my father (who believed if you do the crime you do the time - and he did a lot of time because no one could save him from prison for many of the things he did). Her reasoning for bailing him out of trouble so often was because she couldn't stand the idea of him not knowing she loved him even though it wasn't for his betterment.

He was mis diagnosed as Bi-Polar and fought long bouts of depression (while taking methadone and being addicted to prescription drugs for the last 15 years).

He admitted shortly before he died when he was going through counseling with the psychologists from the Tulane Medical Center Transplant Board that the only significant time he's been sober since the age of 15 was during his 7 years in jail.
I empathize with you, your wife and your family.
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Re: With my BIL drinking is his way of coping...

Post by Major Kong »

RiverguyVT wrote:I have to wonder if some AA material will find its way into his hands in the pokey...
Although an alcoholic, do you think he believes in God or a concept of God (higher power)?
He's been in and out of AA 5 times with absolutely no benefit other than making the AA folks frustrated. My FIL went to my Dad and asked if it was possible that the Mason's might be able to help...my father explained how it would work to my BIL and after 2 meetings my BIL never went back.

As to God oh yeah he's was a long time member of a local Presbyterian Church but anymore his is the religion of Red Solo cups.
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Re: With my BIL drinking is his way of coping...

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Well, then.. there's hope. 5 times in & out is no big deal to most AA's. The key is to keep coming back. Start the steps over again. Jail's a great place to do the first 3.

Major Kong wrote:
RiverguyVT wrote:I have to wonder if some AA material will find its way into his hands in the pokey...
Although an alcoholic, do you think he believes in God or a concept of God (higher power)?
He's been in and out of AA 5 times with absolutely no benefit other than making the AA folks frustrated. My FIL went to my Dad and asked if it was possible that the Mason's might be able to help...my father explained how it would work to my BIL and after 2 meetings my BIL never went back.

As to God oh yeah he's was a long time member of a local Presbyterian Church but anymore his is the religion of Red Solo cups.
So I put (the dead dog) on her doorstep!
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

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Major Kong wrote:
RiverguyVT wrote:I have to wonder if some AA material will find its way into his hands in the pokey...
Although an alcoholic, do you think he believes in God or a concept of God (higher power)?
He's been in and out of AA 5 times with absolutely no benefit other than making the AA folks frustrated. My FIL went to my Dad and asked if it was possible that the Mason's might be able to help...my father explained how it would work to my BIL and after 2 meetings my BIL never went back.

As to God oh yeah he's was a long time member of a local Presbyterian Church but anymore his is the religion of Red Solo cups.
I feel your pain Kongster. I am no expert, but I watched that show Intervention enough to know that someone really has to hit rock bottom to turn this all around. Maybe another stay in jail is what he needs. Sorry for you and your family :(


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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

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Sorry to hear about this Major. I'm curious, you said he's a habitual offender for drunk driving - has he always had trouble with the law? I heard a stat the other day that said if you make it to 25 y/o without getting arrested, then your odds of never being arrested in your entire life go way way up. Supposedly, 25 is the age where the part of the brain responsible for decision making is fully developed and stable.
Major Kong wrote:So I went out there to see what he was up to. He wasn't there. His neighbor across the road came out and told me that the Sheriff's Office came and got my BIL yesterday morning...nobody called us including my BIL.

He's down at the SWVA Detention Center in Abingdon. Drunk driving and driving w/o a license (that was taken away as a habitual offender for drunk driving). This is his second offense this year and third offense since he got out of the hoosegow 2 years ago after serving a year as part of a 5 yr. sentence with 4 years suspended.

Now he's looking at 5 years...it's killing my MIL and my wife is livid. :x

My attitude is Meh what took him so long. :|

Of course it's the cops fault...they were profiling drunk drivers who drove their truck into a ditch.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by Major Kong »

UpstateSCHokie wrote:Sorry to hear about this Major. I'm curious, you said he's a habitual offender for drunk driving - has he always had trouble with the law? I heard a stat the other day that said if you make it to 25 y/o without getting arrested, then your odds of never being arrested in your entire life go way way up. Supposedly, 25 is the age where the part of the brain responsible for decision making is fully developed and stable.
Since the day he turned 18 yrs old...in localities throughout the Southeast with Virginia, WV and Georgia leading the hoosegow pack. He worked for a local building construction company that worked in the SE.

He was a great worker while on the job but after work he liked his drinking. The owner of the company and my FIL were good friends. The owner kept my BIL on way longer than most employers would have ever put up with, over 10 years.
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Re: We haven't heard from my BIL since Wednesday...

Post by RiverguyVT »

Everyone has a different rock bottom

Bay_area_Hokie wrote:
Major Kong wrote:
RiverguyVT wrote:I have to wonder if some AA material will find its way into his hands in the pokey...
Although an alcoholic, do you think he believes in God or a concept of God (higher power)?
He's been in and out of AA 5 times with absolutely no benefit other than making the AA folks frustrated. My FIL went to my Dad and asked if it was possible that the Mason's might be able to help...my father explained how it would work to my BIL and after 2 meetings my BIL never went back.

As to God oh yeah he's was a long time member of a local Presbyterian Church but anymore his is the religion of Red Solo cups.
I feel your pain Kongster. I am no expert, but I watched that show Intervention enough to know that someone really has to hit rock bottom to turn this all around. Maybe another stay in jail is what he needs. Sorry for you and your family :(


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So I put (the dead dog) on her doorstep!
Salute the Marines
Soon we'll have planes that fly 22000 mph
"#PedoPete" = Hunter's name for his dad.
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